


Don't Dare to Hope

by silveredmoonlight



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Sad Jack Harkness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:34:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28104018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silveredmoonlight/pseuds/silveredmoonlight
Summary: As the leader of Torchwood, Jack stands proud and sure, certain of himself and his decisions.   But the Year that Never Was, and the Doctor’s response to Jack’s undying eternity, has left him more shaken than he realized.  He believes he is protecting himself by keeping the truth from his Torchwood team, but he didn’t consider how far some team members would go to protect him.Canon divergence where the team doesn't know about Jack's immortality after the Year That Never Was.
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Comments: 5
Kudos: 59





	1. Prologue

“I really don’t mind, though. Come with me.”

Jack kept the smile on his face, feeling it pulling at the edges.

“I had plenty of time to think that past year, the year that never was, and I kept thinking about that team of mine.” _That teaboy I left behind._ “Like you said, Doctor, responsibility.” And regret.

“Defending the Earth. Can’t argue with that,” the Doctor quipped back.

 _But you did_ , Jack thought bitterly. _Judged me for being part of Torchwood, for doing what I could to protect a world that_ you _left alone_. 

He was jarred out of his thoughts when the Doctor grabbed his wrist and proceeded to disable the vortex manipulator. Another flare of anger sparked with the Doctor’s high-handed approach, effectively tethering Jack to 21st century Earth again. 

Finally, preparing to leave the Doctor on his own terms this time, he asked the question that he’d been dreading since he first woke up on Ellis Island after being shot.

“And what about me? Can you fix that? Will I ever be able to die?”

Jack would be hard-pressed to convince himself he saw any compassion in the Doctor’s face as he answered, “Nothing I can do. You’re an impossible thing, Jack.”

_Not even an ‘I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry’ for the man who was so wrong that I’m “not even easy to look at.”_

Jack couldn’t have told you what he said next, babbling on about vanity and old nicknames. He just wanted to go, get back to his team. To Owen, with his caustic wit, Gwen with her too-big heart, and Tosh, with her preoccupation with technology. And to Ianto, the tea-boy who could be so much more if Jack was willing to let him.

He ran across the Plas, not slowing until he was well out of sight of the TARDIS, but well short of the entrance to the Hub. His team would be down there, none the wiser to the events of the last year. All they would know was that he had disappeared without a word, only to come waltzing back in months later as if he’d never been gone. They would have no idea what he had endured to have just a small chance of hope at coming back.

He let himself collapse onto a bench, head in his hands. 

How was he supposed to go back to the way things were after everything that had happened, everything he had learned? 

He was _wrong_ , he was _impossible_. Not too far off from things his team had told him before when they felt he wasn’t forthcoming enough with information, when he made the tough calls. 

What would they think of him if they knew what he was? Ianto had called him a monster the day that Lisa had died for the final time, and he was right. Jack was something from a nightmare, barely different than the things they hunted when they fell through the rift.

How would they feel knowing that everytime they walked into danger, he followed behind them without that same risk? That no matter what blow felled him, he would get up again and keep going while they were at risk everyday they worked at Torchwood.

Decision made, Jack stood up from the bench and straightened his coat.

He would keep his team safe, but they would never know the truth of him. They would never know how _wrong_ he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This prologue and fic may come across as harsh on the Doctor. I love the Doctor, especially Tennant. But this is from the perspective of a broken and bitter Jack who spent over a century waiting for the Doctor, and then another year being tortured and killed repeatedly. Jack too will always love the Doctor, but he is hurt and confused with everything so fresh.


	2. Chapter 1

Give him Weevils any night.

Weevils were simple. Chase, spray and either toss them back into the sewer or into a cell in the Hub.

Whatever they were chasing tonight was much cleverer than a Weevil. It had eluded the Torchwood team for four hours in the heavy Cardiff rain. Owen’s grumbling was now never ending as they crawled through alleyways, the Londoner swearing under his breath about mud and ruined boots.

They weren’t even sure what they were hunting tonight. They knew that it was fast, it had fallen through the Rift sometime in the last two days, and that it had some sort of sharp defensive system. Whenever they found a trace of it, deep gouges marked whatever obstacle had blocked its path, cut through with frightening ease.

“I think I’ve got a lock on the residual Rift energy,” Tosh spoke through the comm system from back at the Hub. “It’s about 200 meters ahead. The alley has an entrance at either end, you might be able to contain it if you can block both ends.”

“It tends to slice through any roadblocks, Tosh,” Gwen snapped back, irritable from the cold and wet plaguing them on the hunt. “How do you suggest we avoid getting cut in half?”

Jack’s voice cut into the comm’s before Tosh could answer. “We have guns. This thing has proven itself to be enough of a danger and a nuisance that the key now is stopping it, not capturing it. We cover the alley and take it down.”

“Fine,” said Owen. “Gwen and I will take the south end, you and Ianto take the north. Soon as it’s cornered, blast the thing.”

“And do avoid friendly fire straight down the alleyway,” Ianto added in a deadpan voice as he took position beside Jack. 

They moved swiftly but quietly down the street, Tosh on the comms issuing directions to the right alleyway. Neither of them could see anything moving while they waited for Gwen and Owen to get into position.

“You’re sure it’s here, Tosh?” Jack breathed into the comms.

“Positive,” came the firm answer. “It’s within 20 meters of you.”

Jack kept his gun pointed at the ground as he swept his eyes around the alley. Ianto was doing the same, circling the opposite direction from Jack. 

A scrape down the alley caught Jack’s attention, and he turned sharply to look. He found Owen and Gwen moving into sight down the alley, and he gave them a nod. Slowly he started moving down the alley towards the rest of the team, and presumably the alien.

He’d only taken a few steps when the alleyway exploded into noise and motion. A shrill, hissing cry came from behind him, at the same time that Ianto’s voice rang out, shouting “Jack, look out!”

A heavy weight hit him from behind and he was knocked to the pavement, cracking his head as he fell. He spun around just in time to hear Ianto scream and see the long, blade-like appendages of the alien rake across the Welshman’s torso.

Owen and Gwen were shouting from the other end of the alley as they ran towards them, but Jack barely heard them over his own angry roar. He lifted his Webley and emptied the revolver into the alien. The creature shrieked and then dropped to the pavement as the added bullet’s of Gwen’s and Owen’s guns joined his in it’s chest.

Tosh was yelling into the comms, begging someone to tell her what was happening. Jack didn’t acknowledge it as he hauled himself to his feet and over to where Ianto lay on the pavement.

Jack dropped to his knees beside him, taking in the steadily growing pool of blood spreading on the ground below him. Two long gashes split Ianto’s chest and belly from hip to clavicle, blood flowing steadily. The Welshman was taking gasping breaths, and fear was plain on his face.

They could both see the glistening viscera bulging at the edges of the wounds.

Jack pulled him onto his lap, one hand on his cheek.

“Ianto, stay with me here. You gotta stay with me.” Jack could hear the panic in his own voice. “Owen! Med kit, now!”

Ianto grasped Jack’s sleeve tightly and the older man could see him trying to form words, but was unable to force them out past his gasping breaths. He was shaking and could barely keep his grip on Jack.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. You’re gonna be fine. Just take it easy, slow breaths. Owen!” Jack shouted again.

The doctor crashed to the pavement beside them, med kit in hand. He took one look at the ruin of Ianto’s abdomen and paled. He met Jack’s eyes.

“He needs a hospital, now. We can pack it to slow the bleeding but he needs more than I can do.”

Resolve hardening, Jack slid his other arm under Ianto’s legs and hoisted him into a bridal carry. Ianto let out a groaning cry with the rough movement, cut off with another gasping breath. Sometime between the alleyway and Jack going to Ianto, Gwen had run to the SUV and brought it around to them. She jumped out now, opening the doors for them and gaping in fear at the bloody sight of Ianto in Jack’s arms.

“Is he…?” 

“He needs a hospital,” Owen said firmly. “Drive, I need to be in back with them.”

Jack eased Ianto into the back seat as gently but as quickly as he could, each movement drawing a pained moan from the younger man. Ianto cried out again as Owen crawled in beside them, jostling Ianto. The medic tore open the med kit and started ripping out the gauze packs. Ianto screamed in full when Owen slapped the gauze onto his wound and applied pressure.

“I know, I’m sorry!” Owen shouted back at him. “But I’ve got to stop the bleeding!”

Jack tried to soothe Ianto as Gwen careened through the streets. He smoothed a hand through Ianto’s hair, whispering to him to “just hold on, I’ve got you” and to “breath, Ianto, just breathe”. 

By the time Gwen swung into an open ambulance bay, Ianto eyes were remaining closed and his breathing became more and more irregular. Owen jumped out of the SUV, helping to steady Ianto as Jack slid out behind him.

He took the full weight of Ianto again as he burst into the ER. 

“We need help here!” He was using his Torchwood director voice, the one that demanded obedience and demanded it now. “We need a gurney and a doctor!”

The ER staff were moving as soon as they came through the doors, seeing the amount of blood that covered both Jack and Ianto. A stretcher was presented within seconds, a doctor there to examine Ianto as soon as Jack laid him down.

She turned and called out to her staff, “He’s going to OR 1 stat! Massive abdominal trauma, clear evisceration! Get two units of unmatched blood and page the trauma surgeon.”

There was a flurry of activity as nurses swept forward to roll the gurney out, others rushing to the phones to relay orders. Jack ran beside them, the rest of Torchwood following behind. He kept his hand on Ianto’s arm, holding tight to the warmth he could still feel there under the now-ruined suit. 

“You’re going to be fine, Ianto. You’ll be okay.” He kept up his hushed platitudes until they reached the doors of the OR, and a nurse held Jack back with an arm across his chest.

“You can’t go in with him, it’s a sterile area. The surgeons will look after him now.” She kept pushing him gently but firmly back until Gwen grabbed his arm, Owen coming to his other side. “You can wait out here and the doctor will come talk to you as soon as he’s out of surgery.” She directed them to a small waiting area before dashing off back to the ER. 

Jack stood numbly staring at the double doors that Ianto had disappeared behind. 

Ianto, his tea-boy, his part-time shag, his lover. He was dying, Jack had seen that when he laid him on the gurney. He had been dying, and he didn’t know if they’d gotten him here in time to save him.


	3. Chapter 2

Gwen eventually coaxed Jack into sitting in one of the hard plastic chairs, rather than standing rigidly in the middle of the waiting room. Tosh showed up at some point, coffees in hand for each of them. Owen had strode over to the nursing station, trying to demand updates that no one was yet able to provide.

Through it all, Jack sat silently, staring at the OR doors. 

Ianto had pushed him out of the way, taken an injury that had been intended for Jack. It might not have been enough to kill him, but he’d have come back if it had. He would have survived, in one way or another. 

But Ianto. Ianto was only 21st century human, only mortal. An injury like this could kill him far too easily. 

How long had he been in surgery now? Minutes? Hours? Jack blinked and looked around for the clock, only to realize he didn’t know when they’d gotten here, so the current time was irrelevant.

Jack took a shuddering breath, the most movement he’d displayed since sitting down. He saw his other three employees share a look before Gwen came over and knelt in front of him.

“Jack, darling? Do you think you may want to go freshen up? Maybe just a splash of water? We’ll be right here, we’ll let you know as soon as there’s an update. It’s just…” Gwen’s gaze wandered down to where Jack’s hands rested in his lap. 

Jack’s gaze followed and he felt bile rise in his throat when he saw that they were coated in blood.

Ianto’s blood.

Jack opened his mouth and barely a croak came out with the dryness he hadn’t noticed. He swallowed and tried again. “I…” He was lost for words. 

Gwen smiled gently, and he could see the pity hiding in her eyes. “Come on, love. Let’s go get you cleaned up.” She guided him up by the elbows, avoiding the stained skin of his hands. She steered him into the washroom, closing the door with a, “We’re right outside, Jack.”

He felt like he was moving in slow motion as he let the water start washing the blood down the drain. Blood that Ianto had shed for him, trying to protect him. He, who was wrong and impossible, who couldn’t die, and Ianto had been ready to give his life for him.

Jack choked a sob down, all too aware of his team outside in the waiting room. What would they think of him if they knew he had let someone sacrifice themselves for him, when he didn’t need it? Would they hate him for letting Ianto get hurt? Would they look at him like the  _ freak _ the Master had called him? Would they hunt him down like any other monster?

And Ianto? Could he ever expect Ianto to forgive him if he learned the truth of Jack’s immortality? 

It was Ianto’s response Jack feared the most. He’d been lucky enough that Ianto had by now forgiven him for leaving with the Doctor, even if he didn’t understand the reason why. 

He doubted Ianto would be as forgiving now. Jack couldn’t blame him. He’d hidden his immortality from his lover and now the Welshman was laying flayed open in emergency surgery. He’d been selfish, protecting his own hurt feelings, and now Ianto was paying the price. 

He pounded a fist against the bathroom wall. The hardest part, besides worrying about whether Ianto would even survive, was knowing that deep down he’d been lying to himself about how much Ianto had come to mean to him.

He’d tried to maintain the delusion that Ianto was just a casual shag, a workplace romance that was convenient and enjoyable, but nothing more than that. That illusion had been shattered in the boiler room of the Valiant. Chained up there, facing more creative deaths every day, Jack’s solace had been thinking of Ianto. Remembering the brush of his fingers when Ianto handed him a cup of coffee. Trying to recall the taste of Ianto’s lips on his. Glimpsing about for that flicker of fond exasperation in the Welshman’s eyes. In the few moments he’d managed to sleep, he’d dreamed of holding Ianto, being welcomed back into his arms, safe in Ianto’s flat. 

He grimaced at himself in the mirror. This would be the end of them, he could see that now. He couldn’t expect Ianto to forgive this lie. He’d stay by Ianto’s side until he recovered, then tell him the truth of his deception. Ianto could end it on his own terms, Jack owed him that at least.

Decided, he dried his hands and joined the rest of Torchwood back in the waiting room. He resumed his post on the cracked plastic chair. Tosh joined him there this time, taking his hand and resting her head on his shoulder. Jack felt sick with guilt to receive such compassion from the team when he was the one who had caused this.

Jack was able to track the passing time now, so he knew it was another hour and a half before a surgeon emerged from the operating theatre. Jack rose quickly, Tosh trailing with him, but Owen intercepted the doctor first.

“Dr Harper, Ianto Jones’s physician. What’s his status?”

Gwen crowded into Jack’s other side as they listened to the answer.

“He’s stable. He lost a lot of blood, but was also incredibly lucky given the circumstances. His abdominal wall was torn open but he managed to avoid injury to any of the organs. He did have a small laceration to the diaphragm, which caused a collapsed lung, but that’s been repaired. Most of his real damage was muscle and skin.”

Relief flooded through Jack’s body. Ianto was alright. He felt Tosh and Gwen relax beside him as well.

“Given the degree of trauma, we’re going to keep him in a coma on a ventilator for a few days to allow the muscles to begin healing before they’re needed again for breathing. The biggest concern now is infection. Any wound that large exposes the body to a huge amount of bacteria. If he makes it through the next three days without a fever, he’ll be on a straight road for recovery.”

Owen opened his mouth to ask another question, but Jack spoke over him.

“When can I see him?”

The doctor turned his attention to Jack. “He’ll be moved to ICU in the next two hours. He can have one visitor at a time once he’s there.”

Jack nodded, and let Owen pull the surgeon away to ask more specific questions about the surgery and the recovery trajectory. 

Tosh breathed a sigh as she turned to Jack and Gwen smiling. “He’s okay. When I heard him scream over the comms, I was so scared. I thought…”

“Never you mind that,” Gwen interrupted. “He’s okay now and that’s what matters. Now, we’ll need to decide who’s going to take first shift at the Hub while the rest stay here.”

Jack was finally able to pull himself back fully to the conversation, sharp gaze going to Gwen. “I’ll stay with him, the rest of the team needs to take the body back to the Hub. Once it’s secure, you should all take the day off except for rift alerts.”

Gwen blinked, taken aback. “Jack, you don’t have to. Ianto’s our friend, we’re happy to stay with him.” She smiled gently, as if to tell him he didn’t need to put on a front.

“I’m staying,” he repeated sternly. “The rest of you are dismissed for the day.”

The Welshwoman seemed at a loss for words. Jack wasn’t often so directive and decisive with the team, unless there was a world-ending crisis at hand.

Tosh broke in with a gentle voice. “The doctor did say he’d be in a coma for a few days. I guess it doesn’t make sense for all of us to hang around and watch him sleep. Still, I don’t want him to be alone here.”

“He won’t be,” Jack reiterated. “I’ll be with him and if for some reason I’m needed for Rift activity, someone else will take a shift with him. Now, grab Owen and go secure the alien and the Hub.”

He stepped away, turning his back on the girls. He sat down on his same hard plastic chair and resumed his vigil of staring at the OR doors.


	4. Interlude

The SUV was quiet and tense as the three remaining members of Torchwood returned to the alleyway to collect the alien’s body. Luckily, it remained where it lay and had attracted no attention in the meantime. The drive back to the Hub was equally silent, the only noise the rushing of the heating unit in the SUV, trying to drive back the damp and cold that the rain had left on them.

It didn’t take long to secure the alien corpse in a cooler in the morgue, leaving the team with nothing to do but look at each other uncertainly. 

It was Gwen who first broke the silence.

“Did anyone else notice that Jack seemed to be really upset tonight?”

Owen scoffed. “Course he’s upset, he takes it personal when one of us gets hurt. And - news flash - Ianto almost  _ died _ tonight.”

“No, I get that, of course,” Gwen retorted. “It’s just, I didn’t expect to see him quite  _ that _ upset.” She looked to Tosh for support.

“It was odd to see him just, shut down, like that,” Tosh said slowly. “And the way he was talking to Ianto in the car….” She looked between Gwen and Owen. “Do you think…. Could there be something going on between them?”

Owen sighed and dragged a hand through his hair. “Well, they  _ are _ shagging.”

Tosh and Gwen gaped at him.

“No!” Gwen breathed. “Since when?”

“I dunno when they started at it again, but it’s been going on since at least last year before Jack disappeared.” He furrowed his brow in confusion. “But I was sure it was just a casual shag for Jack. Sure, Ianto might have read more into it, but, come on - Jack having feelings for anyone but himself?”

“Maybe he’s feeling guilty?” Gwen offered. “Maybe Jack’s realized Ianto feels more than he does and was willing to sacrifice himself?”

Tosh shook her head. “For all his secrecy, I can’t see Jack being that cruel to lead Ianto on like that. Maybe  _ we’re _ reading it wrong and Jack really cares for Ianto.”

No one answered. Instead, they avoided looking each other in the eyes, each feeling guilty themselves about potentially missing something so important developing in the Hub. 

Gwen was the one to break the silence again. “Whatever the reason, Ianto’s going to need us when he wakes up and Jack needs us now. So we’ll keep the Hub running and we’ll make sure someone’s with Ianto at all times so that he doesn’t wake up alone. I’ll take Jack a coffee in the morning and make sure he goes to get some rest. We can set up a rotation tomorrow after we’ve all had some sleep.”

Owen and Tosh nodded their agreement. Seeing nothing else that they could do for their teammates that night, they all headed home to their respective beds.


	5. Chapter 3

It was closer to four hours than two before a nurse came to get Jack from the waiting room. Ianto had been set up in the surgical ICU in the meantime. Even knowing that Ianto would be intubated and unconscious didn’t prepare Jack for seeing him in the hospital bed.

Jack stopped in his tracks, jolting the nurse behind him. It seemed like Ianto had hundreds of lines and tubes running from him to machines along the walls. He looked so small laying in the midst of the medical equipment.

With encouragement, the nurse guided Jack to a chair at the bedside and left him there.

The next thing Jack noticed was how very young Ianto looked. The Welshman disguised himself well with three-piece suits and his rigid demeanor at work, making it easy to forget that Ianto was only 24. Now, with his face lax in sleep and sedation, he looked almost childlike.

It turned Jack’s stomach all the more to know that he had put Ianto in that hospital bed. 

Hesitantly, and scolding himself for even considering that he had the right, he reached out and took the younger man’s hand in his. He brought it to his lips, careful of disturbing the connected IV lines, and placed a chaste kiss to the knuckles. He then rested his forehead onto their connected hands as he lowered Ianto’s arm back to the bed.

“You shouldn’t be here, Ianto,” he whispered. “I’m not worth this kind of devotion. And if I hadn’t lied to you, you would never have felt the need to take that hit.” Jack swallowed against the lump in his throat as he fought back the tears that were threatening. “You deserve better than this.”

There was, of course, no response from the comatose man in the bed. 

\----

Gwen and the rest of the Torchwood team discovered quickly the next day that all their planning for shifts with Ianto and caring for Jack, for all that they were good intentioned, were useless if Jack refused to cooperate with them.

Gwen arrived at nine with a coffee for Jack, finding him at the bedside still dressed in his greatcoat and the same blood-stained clothes from last night. Despite pointing this out to him, Jack was firm in his resolve not to leave Ianto’s bedside.

“Jack, please, at least go home and get changed. Ianto will be fine, I’ll be here with him the whole time.” Gwen felt as if she had repeated the same plea forty times and still was having no luck getting through Jack’s thick skull.

He glared at her. “You can bring me a change of clothes from the Hub, but I’m staying here. I need the rest of you to manage the Rift alerts right now.”

“For pity’s sake, Jack, I care about Ianto too! You’re not going to help him wallowing like this at his bedside!” Her voice took on a rising stridor. “At least take a shower! You reek of blood!”

The door was shut to the room, so although the nurses nearby couldn’t hear her words, they were starting to look towards the raised voices and shrill tones. Jack noticed this too.

For a moment, Gwen thought she had gotten through to Jack when he stood from his chair and walked towards her. She was quickly disillusioned when he steered her out of the room by the elbow.

His voice was low and dangerous when he spoke. “You can be as upset as you want, but you will not start an argument in here and get us both thrown out. Now, I am giving you an order as the commander of Torchwood Three: go back to the Hub and do your job. You can send Tosh or Owen with a change of clothes, but I don’t want to see you back here until I’m certain you can follow orders without causing a scene. Do I make myself clear?”

Gwen could only gape at him as he left her in the hallway, closing the door in her face. She had never heard Jack talk to her that way, not even in her most foolish and dangerous moments with Torchwood. Blushing in embarrassment, Gwen strode past the nurses who were trying not to stare and made her way back down to her car. 

She was crying quietly when she turned on the comms to update Tosh and Owen.

“I’m worried about him,” she said after briefing them on the situation. “I’ve never seen him act this way.” She swallowed back her tears. “Is it, do you think he could be  _ angry _ with Ianto for getting hurt?”

“It’s doubtful,” Owen responded. “Jack may get mad at us for putting the team in danger, but I’ve never seen him angry for us  _ being _ in danger or being hurt.”

“I’ll bring him a change of clothes and try to talk to him,” Tosh offered. “He’ll have to listen to us eventually.”

Gwen nodded to herself, answering, “Alright. I’m on my way back. See if you can’t convince him to at least eat something too if he’s going to be so bloody stubborn about staying there.”

\---

Jack was half-ashamed of himself after Gwen left. He knew he was being harsh, but to leave Ianto now would be tantamount to abandoning him. It was Jack’s actions (or lack thereof in being truthful with the team) that had led to this situation and he would see it through. 

If he were truthful with himself, he was also being selfish. He knew this was likely the last of the time he would get to spend with Ianto before the Welshman wanted nothing more to do with Jack. He was going to hold tight to whatever time he had left in Ianto’s presence before Ianto turned him away. 

He gently smoothed Ianto’s hair away from his face. His usually meticulous young man looked unkempt with his uncombed hair and wrinkled hospital gown. Jack would try to remember to ask for a comb later - Ianto would hate to be seen in disarray. He smoothed out the blankets as best he could before sitting back in his chair, feeling useless.

There was nothing more he could do for Ianto than wait and hope. He should probably try to think of what to say to Ianto when he woke, how to tell him how Jack had betrayed him. But he just couldn’t stomach the thought of planning his own heartbreak right now. Instead, he took Ianto’s hand in his again and settled in to watch the rise and fall of his breaths.

\----

Tosh showed up less than an hour later. She knocked softly on the door before slipping in quietly.

“How is he doing?” She kept her voice soft and low, loathe to break the quiet that was settled around the room.

Jack had to swallow a few times to wet his throat before he could answer in more than a croak. “He’s stable. No fever, no signs of infection so far. The doctor is hopeful.” He didn’t even turn to look at her, keeping his gaze on Ianto.

“That’s good news, Jack. He’ll be up and about again before we know it.” She set a bag down beside Jack’s chair. “I brought you some fresh clothes. The nurses said there’s a bathroom across the hall you can change in. You can even use the shower if you like.”

Jack gave a non-committal hum. Tosh laid her hand gently on his shoulder. He turned to look at her then, as if only just truly registering her presence.

“Ianto would be upset with you if you neglected yourself for him.” Tosh knew it was a dirty tactic, playing on Jack’s guilt about Ianto, but she didn’t think anything else she said would reach him at this point.

Jack had the grace to look down in shame. “You’re right,” he acquiesced. 

Tosh lifted the bag again and closed his hand around it. “It won’t even take you ten minutes. I’ll be right beside him the entire time. I’d tell you to leave the door open and you could see into the room, but I think you might cause some issues with heart rates and blood pressure if the ward were to see you showering.” She offered him a smile at the weak joke, but he did not return it.

He kept watching Ianto until he was almost out the door, before turning to look at Tosh. “You’ll be here with him until I’m back?”

She nodded. “I promise. I won’t let anything happen to him.”

There was another moment of hesitation before Jack pulled himself away and across the hall.

Tosh collapsed into Jack’s vacated chair with a sigh. She finally gazed at Ianto without distraction. His color appeared okay and he looked as comfortable as one could expect for a coma patient.

“We need you to be okay, Ianto,” she whispered. “I don’t think even Jack realized how much he needs you. Please come back to us soon.”


	6. Chapter 4

The next five days passed in much the same way. Jack adamantly refused to leave the bedside. The nurses had learned within the first day not to bother trying to encourage him to go home and take a rest. Gwen and Owen still pushed Jack to take a break every time they stopped by, but Jack would see them sternly out the door if they showed a hint of raising a fuss about it. 

Tosh had the most success in getting Jack to eat and take care of himself, even if he wouldn’t leave the hospital ward. She brought him food and fresh clothes each time, and averaged success in getting him to shower every other day. Even that brief time away from Ianto seemed to cause him significant stress

Tosh feared Jack may come to blows with the doctor when both of them were banned from the room for the removal of Ianto’s breathing tube. Jack had tried to argue his way into staying, but the doctor wouldn’t budge. The Torchwood leader vacillated between angry glares and anxious looks as he and Tosh waited for the doctor to emerge. When he finally did, Tosh had to hold Jack back by the arm to prevent him rushing back into the room.

“He’s doing well,” the doctor reported. “He’s had no sign of infection and all his incisions are healing appropriately. Now that the breathing tube’s out, we’ve turned off the sedation so he should start to wake up later today. I expect he’ll be able to be discharged in the next week or so.”

Tosh gave a happy exclamation and turned to Jack, expecting to see relief on his face. Instead, he somehow looked more fearful than he had at any point since Ianto’s admission. He thanked the doctor and stared with trepidation at Ianto’s room as the physician walked away.

He then seemed to blink himself out of a trance, and turned to Tosh. She could see that the smile on his face was forced. 

“You should go back to the Hub and tell everyone the good news. Owen will want to come check Ianto for himself, tell him to come after the regular work day.”

Tosh let her disappointment show. “Oh, I had thought…. We had hoped maybe we could all be there for him when he woke up.”

Jack shook his head. “No, we don’t want to overwhelm him. Go back to the Hub and I’ll let you know when to come back.”

He left no room for discussion or argument as he went back into the room, closing the door behind him.

\---- 

Jack’s stomach was in knots as he watched Ianto sleep. A large majority of his IV lines had been removed with the breathing tube, so he now appeared to be closer to napping. It struck Jack again just how young Ianto looked.

The guilt crushed down on Jack again. So young and he’d already been through so much - Cybermen, Lisa, cannibals, and now Jack.

Jack tried to quell the shaking of his hands by taking Ianto’s in his own again. When they’d first started seeing each other, Jack had expected Ianto’s hands to be smooth - an archivist’s hands. Instead, he had small burns over the back of his hands from coffee experiments. There was a scar on his right thumb where he’d cut it cooking once. His palms were now callused from his gun grip.

Jack smoothed his fingers over the familiar imperfections, lamenting that he would never feel them slide down his chest again or feel them tighten around him in a moment of passion.

Gods, he was going to miss Ianto. Even if Ianto stayed at Torchwood (which Jack was worried he wouldn’t), he knew he’d long for that easy camaraderie they’d shared, the teasing and flirting. There would be no more movie nights back at Ianto’s flat, throwing popcorn at the screen. No more “Weevil hunts” that ended with the cells empty but both men fulfilled and sated. 

He took a shaky breath to hold back the emotions that threatened to spill out of him. Closing his eyes, he pulled Ianto’s hand over to rest against his cheek. He held it there, relishing the warmth, and let time drift as he held on to this moment.

It was a gentle touch to his hair that broke Jack out of his daze. He opened his eyes to find Ianto’s free hand tracing down his face and a gentle smile on the Welshman’s face as he gazed at Jack.

“Ianto,” Jack breathed. He couldn’t bring himself to let go of the hand he still held.

Ianto smiled wider. “Hi, Jack.” His voice was still hoarse. “I take it I’ll live, then?”

“Don’t,” Jack croaked. “Don’t joke about that.” He was barely holding himself back from breaking down now that Ianto was awake again, looking at him.

Ianto’s smile faded to a frown. “How bad is it, then?” The Welshman looked down his body, as though taking inventory of the bits and pieces he could still account for.

Jack shook his head. “It’s not that. You were lucky, mostly skin and muscle. The alien missed all your vital organs. You had a collapsed lung but that’s fixed now.”

Ianto continued to watch Jack with concern. “If I’m alright, why do you look so scared? What aren’t you telling me, Jack?”

The noise Jack made then was a cross between a laugh and sob, but nevertheless came out bitter. 

“I did this to you.”

Ianto blinked and frowned. “Did something else happen that I missed, then? I remember the alien with the blades for arms, and getting in the SUV…”

Jack shook his head again. “It might have been the alien that cut you, but this was my fault.”

Ianto gave a gentle smile again. “You don’t get to blame yourself for my decisions, Jack. I chose to push you out of the way, and I’d -”

“Dammit, Ianto, I lied to you! I’ve been lying to you this whole time!” Jack was shouting now.

Ianto stilled and pulled his hand free of the grip Jack still had on it. “What do you mean, Jack?”

“I’ve lied to you from the beginning. To the whole team, really, but especially to you. I knew you’d end up hurt by it, but I was selfish and I didn’t care.”

He could see the thoughts run across Ianto’s face, flicking back through previous encounters, through people Jack had killed and tough decisions he had made. He knew Ianto was trying to find the lie, figure out what had been missed.

Jack put him out of his misery.

“I can’t die, Ianto. Well, I  _ can _ die but I don’t stay dead. I come back. Every damn time, I come back.”

“I don’t understand.” Ianto sounded lost.

“I’m a freak of nature, Ianto. And I’ve been running around, letting the team throw themselves into danger because it was more important to me to keep that knowledge private than to protect you. But now, you almost  _ died _ because of me. And if I’d just told you, this never would have happened!”

“Jack - “

Jack held up a hand and cut him off. “No, Ianto. I know I’m being selfish still, but I don’t want you to say anything right now. When you’re better, when you’re out of hospital you can come yell at me and tell me what you really think of me. Right now, though, I’m going to leave. I’ll call Tosh or Gwen to come sit with you.

“And I nee- I  _ want _ you to come back to Torchwood when you’re better. The team needs you. But you need to focus on getting better and you can’t do that with something like me around.”

He stood abruptly, ignoring Ianto’s cry of “Jack!” and hurried himself out the door. He could hear Ianto calling behind him but he rushed off the ward and out of the hospital.


	7. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An introspective chapter from Ianto

Ianto was perishingly bored of sitting in a hospital bed.

Later in the day after he’d woken up - after Jack had dropped his bombshell of a revelation and disappeared from the hospital - Ianto had been moved to the general ward. He had physiotherapy once a day but was otherwise left alone with his thoughts.

Gwen had shown up that first day, surprised to be there.

“Jack hasn’t left your side at all since you got here, and now you’re awake he just dashes off? What’s going on, Ianto?”

Ianto had played the fool, insisting he had no idea why Jack had left all of a sudden. He himself had still been trying to make sense of Jack’s confession.

It didn’t help matters that the rift had decided to act up this week, meaning the rest of the team had minimal time available to come visit him. It left him with little to do but think.

When their affair had started, Ianto had no delusions that he was anything more than a convenient shag. He had seen the way Jack flirted with anything that moved but he himself had been willing to forgo a relationship in favor of the comfort of someone else’s arms. 

Despite warning himself away from it, Ianto knew he’d developed deeper feelings for Jack. A casual shag had turned into something more meaningful. He couldn’t say when it had changed, but there were little things he could pick out in every day that showed the changes. The involuntary smile he had whenever Jack looked at him from his office. Seeing a new movie or book in the supermarket and wondering if Jack would enjoy it. If he had a crap day in the tourist office, knowing the evening would be better when he could wrap himself in Jack’s arms and feel cared for. 

He was also quite sure that somewhere along the way Jack’s feelings had become something more. After Brecon Beacons, Jack had shown up at Ianto’s flat. He remembered how fragile the older man had looked, standing on his doorstep. Neither of them had spoken. Ianto had simply opened the door wider, letting Jack enter. As soon as the door was closed, Jack had gathered Ianto gently in his arms and just held him. It didn’t take long for Ianto to dissolve into tears after the stress of the day, which subsequently grew into sobs as he clung to Jack. It wasn’t for some time after they had maneuvered to the couch that Ianto realized the top of his head was wet where Jack’s cheek had been resting against it.

“I was afraid I’d be too late,” Jack had whispered as they sat together. “I haven’t been that scared in a long time.”

They hadn’t spoken of that night again or acknowledged Jack’s fear beyond the quiet admission. They had continued growing gently closer, learning each other’s moods and bodies. Ianto had been sure that Jack was feeling those changes just as much as he had.

Which is why it had hurt him so deeply when Jack vanished with the Doctor. The first day, he had thought it was just Jack being Jack, so caught up in something that he had forgotten the time and to come back to the team.

When he hadn’t returned the next day, Ianto was sure he’d be back within a week, apologetic and spouting excuses.

At the end of that first week, Ianto had laid himself down in Jack’s bed under the Hub and sobbed. It was the first time he let himself feel the loss and betrayal. He’d blamed himself, sure he’d somehow driven Jack away. He’d known it was irrational, but couldn’t help himself as he mourned for the love he could have had.

He’d realised then that he had well and truly fallen in love with Jack. As infuriating as the man could be, he’d made Ianto laugh and smile and taught him pleasure he never thought he’d find again after Lisa. He could even admit to himself, lying there in the dark, that the love he felt for Jack far surpassed any he’d felt for Lisa. With the benefit of hindsight, he could see that he’d let his survivor’s guilt colour what he felt for Lisa - he’d been annoyed with her for weeks before Canary Wharf, and had been considering breaking things off. Finding her half-converted body in the wreckage of Torchwood One had driven those thoughts from his mind.

Ianto had worked hard to make himself just as indispensable to the new Torchwood Three as he had been to Jack. He didn’t think the team had realised that he had taken on even more administrative and support tasks left undone by Jack’s absence, while still taking on the role of a field agent. He had been working himself to exhaustion until the day Jack waltzed back into their lives.

He had been a mixture of elation and fear at seeing Jack’s broad grin again. The relief was indescribable, having thought he’d never be in Jack’s presence again. But the fear was close behind, because now he knew just how easily Jack could break him with his absence.

They’d been awkward around each other at first. Ianto could chuckle now at the halting way Jack had invited him on a date, and his own less-than-poised response. Over the last few months, they had smoothed out again and were back to witty repartee and flirting at inappropriate times. 

Despite that, Ianto hadn’t failed to notice that Jack wasn’t quite so carefree as he’d once been. When Jack thought no one was looking, Ianto would notice him staring at nothing, his ever-present smile nowhere to be seen. There were nights at Ianto’s flat when he would wake to a cold bed and find Jack standing at the window. Even when he couldn’t sleep, Jack would have stayed in the bed holding him in the past. 

Ianto hadn’t pried into what had happened in the time Jack had been away. Jack had let enough innocuous comments slip to know that wherever and whenever he’d been, it had been longer than the months that Ianto had experienced. He also knew it wasn’t something pleasant, because the rare times that Jack did sleep he would wake gasping or screaming from nightmares. Ianto would hold him and whisper Welsh lullabies to him again until they both settled back to sleep. They never spoke of it in the morning, Jack smiling and joking as though nothing had ever happened.

_ I can’t die...I’ve lied to you. _

Ianto prided himself on being a perceptive person. Those admissions from Jack, though, had blindsided him. He tried to think back over cases they’d had, dangers they’d been in. There had been many times that Jack had come waltzing back from danger, seemingly unharmed but his clothing ruined and bloody. Jack had always brushed it off, claiming his 51st century constitution made him that much tougher than regular humans. There had also been times when some enemy had been sure they’d killed Jack, bragging to the rest of the team, only to have Jack stroll back in. Jack would have a pithy remark at the ready, “Rumours of my demise, yada, yada, yada,” and sweep in to save the day each time. 

Since Jack’s return, though, Ianto could see now that he’d been much less cavalier. On the fewer occasions that he’d run head first into danger, Ianto could see a shadow in his eyes when he returned. His smile was more forced; the rest of the team might not have noticed it, but Ianto had catalogued each of Jack’s smiles in his mind, hoarding them to himself to bask in their glow.

Putting all these remembrances together, Ianto had a deep inclination that even if Jack came back from death (and still, despite all he had seen with Torchwood, the idea seemed ludicrous), it was clear that it wasn’t without cost. What was more, bearing the burden of that secret had clearly been taking its toll on Jack.

Jack’s face, crumpled and desolate, when he had told Ianto of his immortality, was burned into the Welshman’s mind’s eye. And the fact that Jack seemed to think Ianto would blame him for this? Or that he would leave Torchwood? Ianto wished Jack would come back to the hospital so that he could shake some sense into him.

He resolved himself to waiting for discharge and recovering enough to return to work so he could let Jack know what he really thought of his revelation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many many months after writing this chapter, I'm quite sure I heard Jack actually use the line "rumours of my demise" in one of the Big Finish Audio Dramas. I swear I wrote it down before I heard that, as it seemed like a quote Jack would enjoy misquoting. It's nice to know Big Finish mad that canon.


	8. Chapter 6

Ianto’s discharge came sooner than either he or his doctor had anticipated.

“What in the  _ bloody hell _ did you do to Harkness, Teaboy?”

Owen had stormed into his room, stained scrubs clearly coated in some form of alien gore. The doctor stomped about, waving his hands as he ranted at Ianto.

“You wake up and Jack comes running back to the Hub looking like someone kicked his puppy. Then he spends the next three days running us ragged ‘cross Cardiff, barely giving us a moment to sleep.  _ Then _ , once all the Rift trash is cleaned up, he’s snapping at us all in the Hub, lording around the place like some kind of bloody dictator. Add to that, he’s cleaned out every stash of booze I’ve got hidden round the place, he’s clearly hungover every morning - and I didn’t even think Jack  _ got _ hungover. And now, the bloody imbecile’s taking calls on his own and coming back looking half dead! He’s gonna get himself killed if he keeps going on like this.”

It was the last statement that made Ianto’s blood run cold. Before, he would have thought it was Jack being dramatic, or Owen embellishing. Now though, with Jack’s revelation, Ianto wondered if Jack really  _ might _ be trying to kill himself. Or if he had let himself be killed as some form of penance for what he perceived as betrayal against Ianto and the team.

Whatever the reason, he wasn’t about to let Jack punish himself and run roughshod over the rest of Torchwood. 

Ianto deftly pulled the last remaining IV out of his arm.

“You’d best go sign my discharge papers then, Owen.”

Owen gawked at him. “I didn’t mean for you to get up and deal with it. I just thought -”

“You just thought I’d have some magic wisdom into the mind of Jack? It doesn’t work that way Owen. Now, I’m going to the Hub to talk some sense into him. As my doctor, you can get me a proper discharge plan so I don’t put myself back in the hospital doing it, or you can patch me up once I get there.”

Owen made an exasperated sound, throwing his hands into the air as he took himself to the nursing station to arrange a discharge.

Ianto was lucky that Tosh had dropped off a set of clothes for him in anticipation of his eventual discharge. The first sleeve of his shirt was easy enough, but he could feel his stitches and muscles straining as he reached around for the second sleeve. Pulling on his trousers left him gasping for breath against the sharp pain in the wounds. He composed himself as quickly as he could, knowing Owen would balk at letting him leave if the doctor thought he was in that much pain.

Ianto made it to the nursing desk with a slow walk by the time Owen finished signing the paperwork.

“As your doctor, I have to tell you that I’m signing you out against medical advice - my  _ own _ advice, mind - and that I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t think it was the only way to keep someone from shooting Jack.”

Ianto suppressed a wince at the callous phrase.

“Just get me to the Hub.”

The drive was tense. Owen kept glancing over at Ianto as if he could see how much discomfort Ianto was hiding. Ianto kept his jaw clenched, focusing on staying as still as possible. That was easier to face than thinking about what state he would find Jack in at the Hub. 

The Hub was chaos when the cog door rolled open to let them in. The claxon of the alarms melded with the shouting of Gwen, who stood angrily in front of Jack. Jack’s face was thunderous as he shouted back. Ianto couldn’t make out the words over the alarms and the screeches of Myfanwy flying overhead. Tosh was braced against her work station, looking as though she were holding herself back from joining the fight.

Owen broke up the row as the alarms ended, shouting an angry “Oi!” towards Gwen and Jack. Both turned to look at them.

If Ianto hadn’t been so attuned to the subtleties of Jack’s emotions, he would have missed the flash of fear and heartbreak that was quickly replaced by anger.

“What the hell are you doing bringing him here, Owen?” Jack shouted. “He’s supposed to be in a hospital!” 

Owen shouted right back at him. “Somebody’s got to talk some sense into you and none of us were getting anywhere!”

Ianto could see Jack gearing up to argue. He cut them all off short by lifting his fingers to his lips and blowing a shrill whistle. He winced as the motion tensed his abdomen.

“Right, you lot, shut it. Gwen, go feed Myfanwy, she’s clearly hungry. Owen, go get me whatever painkillers you’re going to send me home with. Tosh, help me up the stairs to Jack’s office. And you.” He turned to Jack. “Go wait in your office and don’t argue.”

Jack definitely looked like he still wanted to argue, but he set his jaw and stomped stiffly up to the office as Tosh came to support Ianto under his arm.

“Are you sure this is the right time, Ianto?” she asked him quietly.

He nodded. “Thanks,” he said, as he slipped his arm off her shoulder as they reached the open door to the office. “Why don’t you go make everyone a cup of tea to calm down?”

The look she gave him said that she clearly knew she was being dismissed, but wasn’t going to put up a fuss.

Ianto moved slowly into the office, easing the door shut behind him. Jack stood at his desk, arms braced and head lowered. Ianto could see the tension held tight in his back.

“Couldn’t even wait ‘til you were fully healed to be rid of me, huh?” Ianto could practically taste the bitterness in Jack’s words. “Guess I deserve it. Go on, let me have it.” Jack stood and turned to face Ianto, face set in what should have been the wry smirk of a man who didn’t care.

Instead, Ianto could see the trepidation in his eyes and the fine tremor in the arms Jack folded across his chest.

Ianto sighed and moved across the room to Jack. “Oh, Jack. How many times, now?”

Jack furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?”

“How many times have you died now?”

Jack gave a derisive snort. “I haven’t exactly kept count,” he said acerbically.

Ianto shook his head. “How many times since you left the hospital?”

Jack couldn’t hide the full body wince, and he turned his head away, dropping his gaze. “Four,” he whispered.

“Did you…” Ianto swallowed, scared to ask. “You didn’t cause them yourself, did you?”

“Did I kill myself? No, but I wasn’t exactly careful either.” 

Ianto reached out and took hold of Jack’s hand. Jack let him do it, but still didn’t turn to look at him.

“Tell me, Jack. Does it still hurt when you die?”

Jack’s voice was barely audible when he answered, “Yes.”

“Does it hurt you to come back?”

Jack finally turned back to look at Ianto and Ianto’s heart nearly broke. So much pain and despair was reflected back in those eyes, tears brimming at the edges.

“More than the dying ever does.”

“Oh, cariad. Oh, my Jack. I’d never want for you to hurt. Even if I were angry, even if I never wanted to see you again, I’d never want that for you.”

A little flash of hope lit in Jack’s eyes. “If?”

Ianto gave him a watery small, his own eyes wet with tears now. “I love you, Jack. I’m not going anywhere.” He lifted a hand to cup Jack’s face, brushing away a tear with his thumb. “If you think you need my forgiveness, you have it, but you’ve done nothing wrong.”

Jack breathed out a shaking sigh and gently gathered Ianto in his arms, even now mindful of his wounds. Ianto could feel the shudders wracking his body as Jack suppressed his sobs.

“Come home with me, cariad. Tell me what you can. I want to understand. You don’t have to carry this alone, anymore.”

He felt Jack nod against his shoulder as he softly whispered, “Okay. Take me home.”


	9. Chapter 7

Ianto’s wounds were throbbing by the time they got back to his flat. Owen had grumbled about letting him go, but had agreed that since his wounds hadn’t reopened, there was no reason he couldn’t recover as well at home as he could in a hospital. The doctor had pressed a bottle of painkillers into his hands, with a strong admonishment to take them once he got home.

Now that he was home, he had no intention of taking them until he and Jack had a chance to really talk. Jack had been nervous on the drive home, tapping his hand against the wheel and muttering impatiently at red lights. He stood awkwardly in the entrance way now, as if still unsure of his welcome.

Ianto simply reached a hand toward him with a gentle smile and after a moment of thought Jack took the hand, allowing himself to be guided over to the couch. The older man sat rigidly and Ianto sighed with frustration.

“Jack, I’m sore and I’d very much like to lay down on the couch. So you can either make room and hold me, or you can go sit in a chair instead. I would, however, prefer the first option.”

Jack gazed up at the Welshman with a doleful look, but shifted himself on the couch, bringing one leg up and opening his arms. Ianto gratefully but carefully settled himself into the space, resting his head against Jack’s shoulder and pulling the other man’s arms around him.

“Thank you,” he whispered and already felt much better for being held in Jack’s arms again.

Despite welcoming Ianto onto the couch, the tension remained in Jack’s body. “How can you still want me here, after everything I told you?” His tone was disbelieving, his voice nearly cracking.

Ianto twisted his head to look up at Jack’s face. “Jack, why would you think I wouldn’t want you just because you can’t die?”

“Because I’m  _ wrong _ .”

Ianto had never heard such heartbreak and despair in a single word. Jack’s voice had broken on the pained whisper. The blue eyes gazing down at Ianto held such certainty and self-loathing that Ianto knew Jack believed it wholeheartedly.

Ianto reached up a hand to cup Jack’s face. “Cariad, who told you that?” he whispered back.

“The Doctor.” Tears spilled out of Jack’s eyes, rolling silently down his cheeks. It was Ianto’s turn to be disbelieving.

“What?”

Jack nodded, but closed his eyes and pressed into the warmth of Ianto’s hand. “He told me I was wrong, and that it hurt to look at me. And he must be right, right? He’s seen so much, travelled everywhere and met so many beings. He’s faced down evil and the Time War, so if he tells me I’m wrong, it must be true.”

Now that Jack had started, the words kept flowing. “And you know the worst part? All I ever wanted was to make him proud of me. I wasn’t a good person when I met him, but he made me want to be better. And I was - I stood up against a Dalek army, knowing I wouldn’t make it out. But that was okay, because he didn’t ask me to do it, I offered because it was the right thing.

“Only I didn’t stay dead. It was the first time I woke up. But he was gone. I thought he must not have known, thought I was really dead.” Jack gave a harsh sob. “H-he did know, and he  _ left _ me. He just left me there, alone.”

Ianto couldn’t believe that anyone, especially the Doctor, could be so cruel. “Surely it must have been a mistake?”

Jack shook his head, opening his eyes to see Ianto again. “He told me himself. Those months I was gone, I’d run after him, thinking he would fix me if he just knew. But he did know, and he tried to leave me behind again. And then...God, and then -” He cut off in a full body flinch, a gasping sob escaping his lips.

Ianto brought Jack’s hand to his lips, kissing it gently. “I’m here, Jack. I’m not going anywhere.”

Jack pulled him closer in his arms, ducking his own head down against Ianto’s. His voice was even quieter when he started speaking again, and Ianto could hear the echoes of horror. “Then we met the Master. He was another Time Lord, but he was insane. Set himself up as Prime Minister, and decimated the Earth. He captured us, me and the Doctor and Martha. I got Martha away, but I was on that ship for a year.

“You asked me how many times I died? I died  _ thousands _ of times that year, in ways so horrific I didn’t even know they were possible. But it didn’t matter, right? Because I’m a  _ freak _ , I’m  _ wrong _ , so why shouldn’t they see how much they could make me hurt?”

Ianto felt the tears running down his own face as his heart broke even more for Jack. “You didn’t deserve that, Jack. No one does, but least of all you.”

Jack shook his head, lost in his memories now. “It hurt  _ so much _ . But what was almost worse, at the end of it all, the Doctor cared more about keeping the Master alive than any of us who survived. He never  _ once _ asked me what had happened to me in that year. Maybe he knew and just didn’t care. But he never asked if I was okay, never asked me if it hurt to die or come back.

“I could have loved him, Ianto,” Jack confessed, dissolving fully into sobs now. “I think I was well on the way to it, but he just  _ left _ me.”

Ianto turned himself fully in Jack’s arms, ignoring his own pain as he shifted to be able to look directly at Jack. His voice was quiet but intense when he spoke.

“Look at me, Jack?” The immortal man met Ianto’s eyes, still glistening with tears. “ _ I  _ love you, Jack. Nothing will change that. You are everything I need you to be, and there is nothing  _ wrong _ about you. It’s the Doctor who’s wrong this time. He may have seen all of time and space, but I’ve seen your heart, Jack, and you are a  _ good man _ .” He leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on Jack’s lips.

Jack sobbed with renewed vigour, but they both could feel the change in these sobs. Relief, gratitude, and love spilled out from the captain. He clutched the back of Ianto’s shirt, burying his face in his front.

“Ianto, I...I feel the same,” he whispered. He lifted his head to meet Ianto’s eyes again. “I just...I can’t say it yet. If I say it then it’s real and something will happen and you’ll be taken away from like everyone else I’ve lo- I’ve cared about.”

Ianto couldn’t deny that he was disappointed not to hear Jack say it back, but he understood. Instead, he bent his head down and laid a kiss on Jack’s hair. “I’ll still be here when you’re ready, cariad.”

\--

Neither man could say how long they sat on the couch in each other’s arms after that, letting the heaviness of the night settle around them. Eventually, they made their way to Ianto’s bed, Jack coaxing the Welshman to take one of the painkillers as he saw Ianto’s pinched face with every step he took. With the medication on board, Ianto fell asleep quickly, allowing Jack to stare at him in the faint light that came around the edges of the curtains.

He felt lighter than he had in years, having confided in Ianto. He’d never expected - or dreamed of - such acceptance. 

He’d known since Ianto first took a tree branch to a Weevil that there was something special about the Welshman. He supposed the universe must have taken pity on him at some point to have brought them together.

Pulling Ianto closer in his arms, Jack finally let himself settle down into sleep, and the gentle feeling of  _ rightness _ that surrounded him at that moment.


	10. Epilogue

At least it wasn’t raining this time.

That didn’t mean that tearing around dark alleyways in the early morning hours with a cold wind blowing was much better. The alien that Torchwood was chasing this time was fast. It kept just enough ahead of them that each time they turned a corner, they lost sight of it. 

Jack pulled the team to a stop. “This clearly isn’t working. We’re going to need to corner it if we’ve got a chance of catching it.”

Ianto swallowed heavily, remembering the last time they’d tried to corner a hostile alien in dark alleys at night. His wounds had healed well, but he still felt a slight pull in his lower right if he overexerted himself. 

“We’ll go in teams,” Jack continued. “Tosh, Owen, Gwen, you keep advancing from here. Ianto and I will go around and flush it out between us.”

Each team member nodded and moved to their positions. Jack and Ianto jogged around the block to get into position and flush the creature out. Just before they started to move into the nearest alley, Jack stopped Ianto with a gentle hand on his sleeve. Ianto turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Be careful, alright?” Jack said lowly. Any other night, Ianto would have quipped back about how he was always careful, but he could see that Jack too was thinking of the night Ianto had been flayed open in another alleyway. 

Ianto nodded at him, and strode forward into the alley. He and Jack were a few turns away from the rest of the team. They moved slowly, eyes scanning the alley (and this time they included the rooftops and fire escapes in their surveillance). Just before the next corner, they heard a scraping and scuffling sound. 

Jack held up a hand and motioned Ianto behind him as they crept forward. Rounding the corner, they saw the alien crouched beside a dumpster, eating some sort of trash it had found strewn around. It was not a species that Jack knew.

Taking a chance, Jack stepped forward. “Hi there, fancy meeting you out here tonight.” He kept his voice soft.

The alien turned its gaze on him and tilted its head. 

“You’re on Earth, 21st century. Probably not where you meant to end up. What’s say we help you get home, huh?”

The creature dropped the - was that a rotten fish carcass? What did he think this was, a cartoon? - garbage on the ground and moved cautiously closer to Jack.

Ianto tightened his grip on his gun, still keeping it pointed to the ground. “Careful, Jack,” he intoned.

Jack didn’t bother with a response to Ianto, keeping his attention on the alien. “That’s right, we’re all friends here. We’ve got a nice Rift manipulator to help you get back to wherever you come from. Whadya say?”

A screeching growl was what the creature responded with, as it launched itself across the pavement onto Jack. Ianto shouted out a warning at the same time Jack cried out at the impact. The creature drove him to the ground and Ianto saw it’s jaw open wide while its taloned hands reached in front of it. Jack yelled when claws and teeth met his flesh.

Ianto yelled, too, and aimed his gun. The seconds it took to find a shot that wouldn’t hit Jack seemed to stretch on, and he could see the blood flying from the creature as it tore at the man on the ground. Finally, he fired in rapid succession and the alien launched away from Jack as it tried to avoid the bullets. Ianto didn’t let up and emptied the full clip. The alien lurched a few feet away before dropping to the ground dead. As soon as he was sure it wouldn’t get up again, Ianto tossed his gun aside and turned his attention to Jack.

Jack was absolutely ravaged. Cuts and lacerations marred the entire front of his body and blood was pouring quickly out. A large chunk of flesh was missing just below the join of the neck and Ianto could see into Jack's chest cavity. It was clear that he was hurt far worse than Ianto had been when he’d been attacked. Shaking, Ianto pulled Jack up into his lap.

“It’s okay,” Jack gasped. “I’ll be fine.”

Ianto shook his head. “Jack, you’re…”

“Can’t die, remember?” Jack could barely get a full word out without need to take a gasping breath. Blood bubbled up at the side of his mouth.

“Jack…” The word was full of fear. Being told Jack couldn’t die was one thing, but it was very different to be holding him in his arms while he bled out in front of him.

“Promise…. Coming...back...Yan….”

Ianto let out a choking sob as Jack went limp, his normally bright face slack and empty. He pulled Jack closer to him and buried his face in Jack’s hair so he didn’t have to stare at the clear signs of death. 

Peripherally, he heard the rest of the Torchwood team come running down the alley. Gwen and Tosh cried out at the sight, and Owen swore. 

Ianto felt a hand on his shoulder and knew it was Owen.

“You’ve got to let me look at him, Ianto. There might be something I can do.”

Ianto shook his head, still holding tight to the cooling body in his arms.

“Come on, teaboy,” Owen coaxed. The doctor put a hand on Ianto’s and made to pull it away from Jack.

“Don’t!” Ianto raised his head and glared at Owen. “Don’t touch him! He’s…. He’ll be okay. He promised.”

He knew he sounded delusional and could see the looks that passed between the other three. But Jack had said he would come back from this, that he couldn’t stay dead. He had to hold on to that promise. 

Gwen knelt down on the ground beside Owen, giving Ianto a sympathetic look. 

“Ianto, love, you’ve got to let us help. Maybe… maybe there’s still a chance.”

Ianto let his hold on Jack relax just enough that they could see the extent of his injuries and the emptiness of his face. He felt a bit guilty when he heard the sob from Toshiko at the sight, but they had to understand that there was nothing anyone else could do for Jack. 

“He’s dead. But he’ll be alright. He told me, he promised. We just have to wait. He promised.” 

Owen looked sick and Toshiko had to turn away to cover her sobs. Gwen looked horrified. He knew they must think he’d gone mad with grief - he very well might if Jack didn’t wake up soon - but he had to cling to the hope Jack had given him.

Ignoring the looks from his colleagues, Ianto turned back to the man in his arms. He smoothed some stray hair away from his face, searching for any signs of life. Jack remained limp and unseeing.

Then Jack’s body suddenly jerked in his arms as he took an agonized, gasping breath. He flailed for a moment before grabbing onto Ianto’s arms, which still held him. Jack’s eyes focused on Ianto’s. Ianto saw them clear, the pain and fear replaced with relief and wonder to see Ianto still holding him.

Before Jack could even form a coherent thought, Ianto was pulling him closer and sealing their mouths together in a blistering kiss. Jack returned it with equal passion, gripping tighter to the younger man and pouring his emotions into the embrace.

They didn’t move far apart when they finally separated. Ianto closed his eyes as he leaned his forehead against Jack’s.

“Thank you,” Ianto whispered to him.

Jack furrowed his brow. “For what?”

“For coming back.”

Jack felt a soft smile pull at his own face. “Hey,” he murmured, lifting a hand to cup Ianto’s cheek. Ianto opened his eyes and pulled away to look at him. “I’ll always come back to you.

“I love you, Ianto Jones.”

Ianto’s face melted into an answering smile and he pulled Jack in again for a kiss. This one was softer, gentler but full of even more emotion between them.

As they broke apart again and helped each other to stand, they finally remembered the other members of the team as Owen’s jarring voice broke in.

“Would someone mind telling us  _ what the bloody hell just happened here?! _ ”


	11. Bonus Epilogue

Ianto had just finished loading the second round of daily coffees onto his tray when they all heard the noise. A wheezing groan filled the Hub as a blue police box materialized beside the Rift manipulator. He looked across to where Jack was coming out of his office. 

A year ago, he would have expected to see joy and elation on Jack’s face at the prospect of seeing the Doctor. Now, knowing what he did about Jack’s past and the Doctor’s role in it, he was not surprised to see the immortal man hesitate as doubt and trepidation flickered across his face.

Ianto no longer worried about Jack leaving with the Doctor and not coming back. Instead, he worried about Jack coming back shattered and full of self-doubt as he had been after the year that never was. 

Gwen, Owen and Tosh gathered together to watch the box materialize, settling solidly onto the stone. Jack and Ianto joined them as the door of the Tardis opened inward.

A head of spiky brown hair popped out, the face below it filled with a wide grin.

“Oh, brilliant! Torchwood!” The Doctor stepped out, lanky body turning in a circle to take in the full sight of the Hub. He scrunched up his face as he said, “Bit dingy, isn’t it? You’d think someone might have redecorated in the last century or so.”

“And tell me again  _ why _ we needed to come to Torchwood?” A red-haired woman followed the Doctor out of the Tardis, her voice filled with the exasperation that could only come from travelling with the Time Lord.

“To use their Rift to refuel the Tardis.  _ Well _ , not their Rift, Cardiff’s rift.  _ Well _ , not really Cardiff’s, since it really goes through all of space and time, it just happens to run through Cardiff in twenty first century Earth. And really, it’s not Torchwood we need to be at, just Cardiff. But I thought, Jack’s at Torchwood now and he tells me he’s running it differently than Yvonne Hartmann did the London branch. Right mess she made of it, too, dint she? Anyways, Jack’s always been a bit of a rogue, getting himself into trouble, so I figured I should pop in and check what sort of ruckus he’s causing lately and say hello.”

Finally seeming to become aware of his audience of Torchwood members, he waved his fingers jauntily and continued with “Hullo, Jack!”

“Hello, Doctor,” Jack replied, and Ianto could hear the hurt underlying the words. He could see that it wasn’t with Jack’s usual flirtatious cheer that he turned to the Doctor’s companion and said, “And hello, Red. Captain Jack Harkness”

The woman nonetheless blushed and beamed, as anyone did in the face of even a small amount of the captain’s charm.

“Donna Noble, best temp in Chiswick,” she said back with a grin.

“No, no, there’ll be none of that now. Jack’s far too sure of himself as it is, don’t go adding to his ego,” came the Doctor’s scolding.

This time Jack couldn’t even hide the flash of disappointment on his face at the Doctor’s dismissal of him.

Giving Jack’s hand a fond squeeze, Ianto then stepped up to the Doctor, drawing the Time Lord’s attention.

“Oh, hello, and who are you?”

“Ianto Jones, sir,” he replied.

And then he punched the Doctor in the face.

The hub burst into a cacophony. The Doctor went sprawling backwards, Donna catching the flailing Time Lord as he went sprawling backwards. The member’s of Torchwood cried out and Jack shouted “Ianto!”

The Doctor gazed up in the Welshman in befuddlement, holding a hand to his smarting face. “What in the world was that for?”

“I believe, Doctor, that you owe Jack an apology. Several apologies, in point of fact.” He was straightforward and businesslike, even as he shook out his pocket square to wipe off his knuckles.

“For  _ what _ ?!” the Doctor sputtered.

“Would you like me to read you the list?” Ianto could have been asking if the Doctor wanted to hear the daily specials for how calmly he replied.

The rest of Torchwood was still trying to comprehend what had happened, and Owen was the first to regain his voice.

“You bloody well do have a list somewhere, don’t you?” he muttered with exasperation.

The answering grin from Ianto sent a chill even down Jack’s spine. “Oh, I do,” he replied, his Welsh accent thick around the vowels.

Jack reached out a hand to Ianto’s arm, glancing briefly at the Doctor. As much as the Doctor abhorred violence, Jack also knew he would defend himself if attacked or threatened. He didn’t want to see if the Time Lord thought Ianto was deemed a true threat.

“Ianto, it’s okay. It doesn’t matter anymore,” Jack mumbled, trying to diffuse the tension.

“It does matter!” Ianto cried back, turning to face Jack full on.

“He can’t just waltz in here and treat you like that! I’ve seen what he leaves behind when he comes to Earth. Bloody, broken people and then he just strolls off leaving the rest of us to deal with the aftermath.”

Jack raised a placating hand. “Ianto, it’s not always like Canary Wharf -”

“I’m not talking about Canary Wharf!” the Welshman shouted. “I’m talking about you! Everything he’s done to you and he’s not here to check that you’re okay, just that you’re “behaving”. It’s not fair! You’re a damned good man, Jack Harkness, and you don’t deserve that.”

He reached his hand up and squeezed Jack’s tightly. His anger died down and his voice was thick when he finished, “You deserve so much better.”

Jack stared at him, opened mouthed for several moments. No one else in the Hub moved or spoke. Ianto tried desperately to think of something more to say when Jack lurched forward and pulled Ianto into a blinding kiss.

A hand fisted in his hair and another closed around his waist as Jack stole the air from his lungs. He could feel the depth of emotion in this kiss and met it with his own enthusiasm. He tried to put in all the love and protectiveness and care he felt towards Jack. Eons - or maybe seconds - later, the kiss ended. 

“Ianto Jones,” the captain said with breathless wonder, “I love you. I don’t deserve  _ you _ .”

“Oh, yes you do, cariad. And I love you, too.”

They might have stayed lost in their moment if the Doctor, who had been helped back to his feet by Donna, hadn’t chosen that moment to clear his throat.

“Yes, sorry, might be interrupting a bit. Should I have waited? Yeah, I should have waited a bit longer, shouldn’t I have?” The Time Lord looked to Donna for confirmation, who nodded and gave a drawn out “Yeh” in response.

“Too late now. Could use the TARDIS to go back a few seconds, but I’ve never been that good at precision landings. Might just cause a time loop. What was I saying? Oh, right, yes.

“Jack, as much as I disagree with his delivery method, Ianto’s right. I do owe you an apology. Several times over. So, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I’ve been a bit of a prat towards you - “

“A bit?” Ianto interjected.

The Time Lord glared at him and continued, “- and you’ve been nothing but a loyal friend. In fact, I don’t think I ever properly said thank you for getting Martha off the Valiant. Or for standing up to the Dalek’s on the Game Station. So thank you.”

The Doctor swallowed hard and fought to meet Jack’s gaze as he said the next. “And everything that happened on the Valiant, what you went through there. I don’t think sorry or thank you will ever quite be enough. I can’t imagine what that cost you. So, if I ever start acting ungrateful or taking advantage of you, do let me know.

“Though,” he added as a quick and emphatic afterthought, “maybe not in the same way that Mr Jones did.”

_ Fin _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea of Ianto punching the Doctor and demanding he apologize to Jack was one that just wouldn't leave my mind. It might not fit entirely with the rest of the fic, but it didn't seem like enough to stand as its own fic.


End file.
